Sigh. OK, I admit it. I AM FAT

Hello, my name is Mark Stringer – and I'm not an alcoholic. But I am fat. I'm so fat now that it's starting to be a problem in all sorts of ways. I snore so badly that most nights either my wife or I has to go sleep next door. I don't know yet if I have the problem called sleep apnoea – where you stop breathing in your sleep. But I'm going to have to go to a clinic to get this checked out. If I do, there's a good chance that I might have to use a machine that I keep by the side of my bed that pushes air into my lungs when I stop breathing – sexy huh?

I don't know if I do have sleep apnoea – that's not proven yet. But what I do know is that for the most part I've lost that marvellous clear-thinking couple of hours that I used to get first thing in a morning, immediately after I woke up. Who knows if this has got anything to do with not sleeping as well as I used to, but I think there might be a link.

I was reading this article about being an alcoholic (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/27/health-and-wellbeing-alcohol?newsfeed=true). Which There are some things that I find really interesting about alcoholics anonymous. I'm particularly fascinated by the idea that you have to admit that you're powerless over alcohol. Because I think that's part of what I need to do. I need to admit to myself that I'm powerless over certain kinds of foods - cakes, sweet drinks, sausages, burgers, biscuits, chocolate, and butter. Oh god, butter, food of the fucking gods. And I'm interested in the alcoholics anonymous idea that every day that you spend “sober” is a good day, even if you backslide. Incidentally, one of the things that I don't think I'm powerless over is alcohol. It makes me so ill now that after a moderately heavy night like last Saturday, I'm still struggling. And it fuzzes my head for weeks after. I did stop drinking for three years. And after the first six months, I told my boss in the politest way possible to take her job and shove it. And then I spent the next two years in a fantastic whirl of reading, writing, thinking and occasionally working until the money ran out.

Another thing that I find interesting about Alcoholics anonymous is that is was founded by a Doctor and a Lawyer ok, professionals, but working men, who I'm guessing had jobs that involved a lot of stresses and strains. I didn't have anywhere near such a problem with overeating (and eating fatty sugar-filled crap) when I wasn't working for the man. But a long commute to a long day of pointless toss will give you a craving for a chocolate bar – or a double whisky. Unfortunately, I'm about to start another job and I realise that I can't do what I did in the last one. I can't comfort eat my way through the stresses and strains. It might kill me. Besides, I feel I'm just, finally starting to find my stride in life. The last thing that I want is to be dead, or because some stroke or a heart attack, be forced to take it easy.

So here's my plan. I create a list of banned foods. I'm certain someone is going to instantly mail me or message me and tell me that it's a bad idea. But that's what I'm going to do.

• Any kind of booze
• Any kind of sweet baked thing
• Any kind of pie
• Any drink that has sugar in it
• Sausages, burgers, minced beef (real cuts of meat are OK). There's a couple other kinds of meat that are probably a bad idea: Beef rip joints (that fat!) and Pork Belly joints (that fat!) and crispy aromatic duck (guess what?).
• Fried onions on their own (a weakness of mine)
• Anything deep fried, chips, onion rings. Kolokothakia (batter deep-fried courgettes).
• Crisps, monster munch, skips, quavers (Yes, they still sell those, yes I still eat them).
• High calorie snacks that might fool yourself into thinking are healthy and not count. All dried fruit (unless it's in something like cous cous). All nuts (unless they're in something).
• Chocolate bars masquerading as breakfast cereals i.e. any cereal that has added sugar or honey.
• Cream, double, single, clotted.
• Sweet drinks
• Any kind of sweets
• Any kind of refined sugar, including (this is going to hurt) tea and coffee
• Butter
• biscuits (sweet and savoury)
• Jam
• Mayonnaise
• Hollandaise
• Peanut butter
• Bacon

The other thing that I'm going to do is that I'm going to do Astanga yoga at least twice a week. This isn't a new fad. It's something that I've tried before and it makes me feel better – I'm not making any fancier claims for it than that.

But another thing that I recognise and approve of from alcoholics anonymous is that I can't do it alone. I certainly need help from my friends and family. But I can't expect them, necessarily to understand. I think I also need help from other people who are struggling with the same kind of problem. So, are you fat? Are you not happy with it? Is it causing you problems? If it isn't, and you're happy with it, then fine. But if it is, if you find yourself snacking on random sugary, fatty crap for absolutely no reason, well then, I'd like to hear from you, and I'd like to meet you, and I'd like us to help each other get slimmer and healthier.

What's the harm in trying that and seeing what happens? Who knows what kind of job I will tell somebody to go and shove?

Posted via email from The Ginger Mumbly