My Wonderful Life So Far (stand up comedy homework)

It's difficult to get down in just a few words how fantastic my life has been so far. I think it started when I was a little boy, still in shorts. I think as soon as I saw that queue of kids at the gates of the school at home time who were helpfully informing me “We're going to fucking arse hole you Stringer”. I knew that I had a great effect on people. I touched people and they wanted to touch me back – really hard!

Well, that little schoolboy hasn't got much taller but has grown really, really fat.

But a lot of other things have changed in those years. The content of the spittle that's carelessly thrown in my direction has changed from Tizer to Special Brew to cider. But sometimes its been champagne. Sometimes the people who've abused and take a swing at me haven't been in kebab shops, they've been drinking the finest Bollinger champagne.

When I think of it like that it puts the disappointments, the decades of prolonged undergraduate penury the largely-single-handed sex-life they drift away like diaphanous, oversized condomns.

I view the world with open-eyed wonder and the world looks back and snarls “What are you fucking looking at?”

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