Tonight's Routine (gig #8) Tesco, Waitrose, the Chris Grayling Post Box gag and the Jordan bridge

I was in Tesco's the other day – and then I thought “Hang on a minute – they're a bunch of slave-labouring bastards.” So I turned around and went to Waitrose.  That's the kind of rebel I am. Also, Waitrose has a better selection of chocolate biscuits.

Waitrose is nice isn't it? Not only do they actually pay their staff, but they have lots of those Duchy Originals chocolate biscuits, you walk down that aisle with all those crests and coats of arms and you feel like royalty. Each biscuit has been individually licked by Prince Charles. And they're a bargain at £4000 a pack. Of course they'd be £8000 if they'd been licked by Kate Middleton. There are a few things about Waitrose that are annoying though. They don't seem to be able to leave it alone with the adjectives. It's not enough to have lemonade, they have to have Lemonade with Moroccan lemons. What's Moroccan about this lemonade exactly? Beyond the delicate aromatic tastes of lemons is there also the delicate aromatic taste of a bucket bong? And my least favourite example of gratuitous addition of adjectives (I think it might actually be an adjectival phrase) “tree-ripened apples!” Where else are you going to ripen them? Up Beyonce's arse? They couldn't actually ripen apples up Beyonce's arse, that would be a logistical nightmare.

Anyway, back to the Tesco slave-labour thing. Did anybody hear about the Government Minister who's responsible for these welfare to work schemes? Chris Grayling his name is. He went on Radio 4 at 7:15 in the morning, when all of the grown-up people are listening and claimed that his email had been hacked by the Socialist Workers Party. But over the course of the day it emerged that the minister had got a bit confused as to the nature of “Hacking”. What had actually happened is that someone from the Socialist Workers Party had – guess what they'd done? Can you believe this, the bastards! They'd sent him an email.

These are the kind of super-intelligent beings that are our rulers. A man who can't tell the difference between brutal and uninvited penetration and message delivery. You know the Tories are in power when you start feeling sorry for their wives. My guess is that if he's this confused he isn't a great lover. He doesn't actually fuck his wife he just writes messages on her bum. And you know that some time in the near future he's going to get arrested for aggressively fucking a postbox.

I think there is a way back for this government though. And I think it's to go back to their core value of fairness. Apparently that's something we British think is really important – fairness. So for example, when David Cameron needed a new job and wanted to get into politics he got someone from Buckingham Palace to ring up and say “Despite all my efforts to persuade him not to go into politics, he is determined, you should certainly employ him.” I think we should all get one free phone call from the palace like that. I mean we could have that instead of waiting for a telegram from the Queen when we're 100. I mean lets face it, when you get to that age, who cares.

No, I think everyone should be entitled to one phone call like that, so someone's looking at your CV and the phone rings and a posh voice says “Despite all my efforts to dissuade him Mark has decided to persue a career on the night shift at Argos. You should certainly employ him, the man is a phenomena around a cardboard box.” We should all get one of those calls.

And there other things that aren't fair that the Conservatives could put right if they really wanted. For instance, there was a guy who lived in Cheshire, who when the riots were on last year, posted some message on his facebook page something like “Yeah, lets have a riot.” He only had 200 facebook followers, nobody took any notice. There wasn't a riot in Cheshire. But this guy got 4 years. 4 YEARS in jail. But at the same time Jeremy Clarkson – is alive.

That can't be fair.

One fantastic story that's been in the news this week is that the good people of Slovakia have decided to name a new bridge “Chuck Norris”. I don't exactly why, maybe because it's strong and compact and leans very heavily to the right. So I was thinking which bridges could we rename in the UK after famous people. Well, the Forth bridge. It's mighty, it's Scottish, it's world-famous, but it's getting a bit old and bits are dropping off – The Sean Connery Bridge? Maybe the millennium bridge, it was so wobbly it made people sick and needed to be taken out of service and given a backbone – the Nick Clegg bridge? Of course he still needs the backbone. And finally the Humber suspension bridge. It's legs are so far apart that because of the curvature of the earth, even though they're pointing straight up, they're actually pointing in different directions. The Jordan bridge?

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